Saddleback Community Church

Saddleback Community Church

Kenneth L. Schaefer

Helping Children Survive Divorce

Dr. Archibald Hart – W Publishing Group

In speaking about the adjustment children must make because of divorce Dr. Hart says, “These adjustments always leave their mark; it is just how big a mark remains after all the dust settles” … most post-divorce periods…do more damage than the divorce itself.” Divorce “is a serious and complex cause of mental health problems today.” (pg xi). The children of Christian parents are often in a worse situation because the younger ones must deal with “Why did God not make Mommy and Daddy love each other?”, “Why doesn’t God answer my prayers?” and the older child “Does Christianity really work?” (pg xii). Dr. Hart quotes and comments that the most accurate way to describe divorce is that it is a “forever funeral” (pg 15). Divorce will always have some damaging effects, the question is whether the effects will be short term or long term (pg 17).

Wallerstein’s longitudinal studies found that “significant numbers of children suffer for years psychological and social difficulties” (P17). Her finding have been replicated all over the world. Researchers from the Calgary Family Service Bureau found five factors that have helped children do better. 1) Personality healthiness of both parents 2) Quality of bonding between parents and children 3) The quality of attachment in the family 4) Parenting styles 5) Resilience of children (pg 18). Among the more important reasons why divorce is so destructive to children is 1) It signals the collapse of the family structure. 2) Parents have a diminished capacity to parent. 3) The divorce creates conflicts of loyalty in the children. 4) Uncertainty regarding the future causes deep-seated insecurity. 5) The anger and resentment between parents. 6) Children take on much anxiety over their parents. 7) If the family moves, a child may lose an at-home parent, a home, a school, neighborhood, church and friends. 8) Economic Descent (pg 20). “About 80 percent of the children receive no notice that a divorce is about to take place.”

Boys are hit harder by divorce than girls.

Most marriages can be saved because few marriages are dissolved because of irreconcilable differences, even though that is the reason given. (pg 26) After 5 years only about 25% say they are coping adequately with their new lives. 50% are barely coping and the final 25% are failing to recover or wishing they never divorced. (pg 27)

Dr. Hart asks you to consider the following before divorce: 1) Examine the scriptural admonitions about divorce. 2) Seek another perspective on your marriage, maybe you are the problem. 3) Be honest to confront your own contribution to the problem 4) Challenge the simplistic view that divorce will solve all my problems 5) Accept that all marriages have problems 6) Pray for patience, determination, wisdom and courage. 7) Take the initiative in solving the problem and go see a counselor 8) Remember that love and hate are co-mingled. 9) Remember that all it takes for marriages to work is commitment and willingness to change (pg 29). Dr. Hart provides a chapter on how to heal your resentment.

One of the biggest mistakes in divorce is not allowing the leaving parent to have continual contact with the children. 30% percent of children wish they had more contact with the absent parent (pg 51). The children must know that both parents are there for them (pg 53) and both parents must be involved in providing for the children. Another big mistakes is that things are changed too quickly which increases the level of anxiety in children (pg 56). Children should not be forced to chose between parents, should not be used as spies and should not be used as pawns to punish the other parent. A divorced child goes through the following stages 1) Fear and anxiety 2) Abandonment and rejection 3) Aloneness and sadness 4) Frustration and anger 5) Rejection and resentment and 6) Reestablishment of trust. Dr. Hart provides a chapter on what behaviors children learn from divorce and how to increase the resiliency of the children to better survive the divorce.

40% of female-headed homes have not seen their father in at least a year (pg 92). “When a child is simultaneously exposed to stress and detachment from a parent, his or her capacity to respond to later separation from significant others can be permanently damage” (pg 92). Despite the commonplace of divorce, children are still stigmatized and embarrassed that their parents are divorced, especially if they grow up in a Christian home.

“Every divorced child is likely to be an angry child” (pg 103). They should be able to express their anger verbally but not physically (pg 109). If they are not allowed to express their anger they will suppress it which will result in more serious problems. It is very important for the father to “play a significant role in dealing with the children’s anger” (pg 112). Children are more likely to feel more anger toward the father and boys tend to have more problem with anger than the girls. Men may have to work on their own emotional life to help their children’s lives and especially in becoming better listeners and being available.

Damage to the child’s self-esteem comes not from the divorce directly but from the indignities caused by other people’s reactions. (pg 115) The fact that the children’s friends are in divorced families does not make it any easier for them to accept. It may make it worse (pg 121). We need to show unconditional, agape, love toward our children (pg 122). If depression is not resolved fairly quickly, it can become part of the child’s belief system (pg 123). “Both parents should accept the responsibility of the self-esteem of the child” (pg 124). Depression is part of the grieving process that forces you to slow down to allow you to work through the process (pg 133). The grieving through a divorce is one of the worse kinds of depression because the child is subject to a series of contradictory losses and non-losses (pg 133). Besides the loss of a parent the child also often loses other siblings, ideal home, hope of the future, financial security, faith in their parents and a loss of faith in God (pg 133).

Most counselors agree that a stable, loving environment and a continuing relationship with both real parents is most crucial for the readjustment of the divorced child (pg 146).

The most severe problems come when one parent remarries (pg 148). Most children resent the intrusion by another into their family unit (pg 161), fantasize about their parents getting back together, are concerned that the new spouse will usurp their place in the parent’s life, are concerned about being compatible with the new spouse and see the step parent as disrupting existing family patterns. It is best to wait at least 2-3 years before getting remarried and not surprise your children with remarriage plan (pg 168).

Researchers have shown that children whose parents had not remarried but lived with their partners were more maladjusted than those who remarried (pg 176) because it provides an atmosphere of temporariness instead of stability. In blended families the more children the greater the stress (pg 185). Blended families should not set their goal on making a single family unit but rather to see their blended family as two mini -families. (pg 191).